Turn this mother out

I don't know when it started really. There was no tragic turn of events, no wildly disappointing attempt at materialism, no family rift. But so help me, I just don't care for Christmas. Each year I ignore it until the last possible second, at which point I've already reverted to some sort of child-like emotional state which mostly consists of feeling sad and frustrated. This year was no exception, only it was compounded by the fact that I'm currently embroiled in a pre-thirty year old crisis. That ceaselessly fascinating emotional dilemma, I've discovered, basically means that I'm bored, I'm broke and I don't have a boyfriend.
Fast forward to today. Ready to shake it all off for at least a little while. I inherited some sort of reverence for the powers of cleaning house from my mother, and whenever I need to quit fakin' the funk and snap out of it, I clean. My car, the bathroom, the kitchen, whatever. All of the above. Music is requisite and joyfulness ensues. I mean this wholeheartedly, and I believe in it with renewed gratitude every time it happens.
And so. Another holiday down, another moment getting it all back to center and what it all means--good, bad and ugly. I am thankful, I am thankful, I am thankful.


"Whatever you are thinking about, you are becoming"

-Muhammad Ali

If You Build It

Recently a co-worker of mine asked me a question that has provoked a sort of lengthy thought process that I can't shrug off. It was a benign enough setting--she and I in the break room at Barnes & Noble talking about our livelihood, our purpose--when she dropped this little gem on me. And it wasn't the typical "what drives you?" or even "what moves you?" but rather this:

What makes you Angry?

Huh. That, she proposed to me, is where you will really find the answer to what it is you should do. Think about what really boils your blood, what frustrates you endlessly, that which you cannot change--or can you? Here's my instinctual response: Ignorance. And there is a lot to that word, I know. But I mean it in a really subjective sense, because I think that ignorance is far from a blanket term. What are the distinctions? I'm still fleshing it out in my mind but I do know that learned ignorance is equally as troublesome as that which is chosen. And by chosen I mean putting on blinders, relying on stereotypes and cliches, ignoring the self-awareness that I believe lies within each of us if we decide to access it. With that, I think I'm circling back to another idea altogether, and that is Consciousness. Accountability. Self-Respect. I see a lack of these traits in humans every day and yes, it makes me angry.

Now a word on anger, or, an aside: The idea of anger as an emotion is not something I'm entirely comfortable with. Sure, I get fired up about stuff ALL the time, but do I really qualify that as anger? It has such negative, caustic connotations and I try to maintain a minimal amount of that in my life, for preservation purposes if nothing else! However, and maybe this is part of my friend's point--Anger often incites change, and that is what we're talking about now, isn't it? Good, meaningful, powerful changes, one tiny little step at a time.

mmmmmmm, coffee.

Your starcast for the week of December 12th:
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)

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An enormous amount of energy has been invested in a certain vision for your future. Steps have been taken and commitments have been made. You are beginning to question whether any of it was worth your time and heart. It isn’t looking much liked you planned. In fact it doesn’t necessarily even feel good anymore. Sometimes things need to be taken back down to the foundation in order to see the essence of what it is you are building.

More awareness is now yours. This new knowledge is altering how you will proceed. Your energy will resume and so will the passion you need to fly forward again. The boost is coming.

Ok. So I really really really want to believe that. By the way, I've been reading this woman's "forecasts" for quite a while now and they are insightful, lovely, and often eerily accurate? And now I'm late for work. More later.

Blankety blank blank

Feeling only slightly inspired, I check in. Today life is a load of laundry, warm and piled high. It is a grocery list left in the parking lot while I aimlessly wander the aisles inside. A walk in the evening charting the Christmas lights (they range from garish to worse, as usual) and whistling at the dog.
It is these moments, I can't seem to come up with any more than what they are, and yet I check in. It is momentum on a Monday, building slow and deliberate.

Hurry up and wait no more

stumbled upon this quote from Shakespeare:

Go to your bosom;
Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.

(Measure for Measure)


Not the first time I've received that explicit message lately. Perhaps not the last. It's the in between now that counts. The now. The steering wheel and the dark pavement as I move toward the warm, humming lights of home. A knock. A door opening.

ISO my fantastic life

No, not my so-called life, which I think I've been living for some time now, but the big one. The mind-blowing, the very special, the sobering, holyshit I finally figured it out-life!
And I guote:

"Radical change, the kind that gives you a shot at a second or third chance, has always been my favorite fantasy"
(Wendy Wasserstein, from "the me I'd like to be")

And no, I didn't just happen upon a relevant quote when reading a relevant text, or did I? I bought this silly book over the weekend that I've had my eye on at B&N for days now (To-do List), and found said quote, among many other mind-bending little gems, therein. The subtitle reads, "what our lists reveal about us," and me being the obsessive post-it note scrawling fool that I am, was of course considered wooed. Courted. Whatever. It's been a while, forgive.

But what, exactly, defines radical change? A year ago today I was in the throes of ambivalently dating a perfectly good guy, losing my beloved bartending job at a beloved NYC bar, and trying to surmise exactly how fast I could get out of my lease with my "persnickety" landlady (a EUPHEMISM, at best) and make my way back Home. Now, right now, I am taking a stab at a day job, I spend most evenings propped up in bed with a book after three beers, and I hug and kiss my mother every day. How's that for radical? Or rad? Dunno. I cherish these current affairs and yet, and yet! I feel as though I'm scratching the surface of myself.

A Gust of Somethin'

Can you bear with me for a brief moment here? I've resisted "blogging" for quite some time, thus I'm feeling a little self-conscious about the current state of affairs. That said, I've resisted many things in my short lifetime that I maybe didn't need to be so dang stubborn about, so here I am. Embracing the unknown, trying on the opposite.
It's a Monday. I've had 3 Magic Hats, a pork chop, half a sweet potato and a "pile" of collard greens (as my mother says; many of her quotes to follow I'm sure). To date, I have not quit smoking, not that this should in any way resemble a Bridget Jones-ish diary. Just trying to set the tone.
Remarkably, I will end with a weather report rather than begin with one: It's cold. I stood outside unnecessarily (feeling reminiscent of NY?) after dinner to smoke a cigarette. The wind creates its own sort of soundtrack tonight and I get it, I just need to know what the hell the preview is for.

Tonight, I am Grateful. And from now on.